I have a confession: I am a terrible bride-to-be. 

A few weeks  days hours after Scott proposed & we announced our engagement publicly, the questions started to pour in. What cut is that diamond? How many carats? Did you pick it out? How do you feel about it being a double halo instead of a single halo? When's the big day? What kind of wedding will you have? I'm going to be a bridesmaid, right? A-line or ball gown? Inside or outdoor? Who will marry you? And, well, you get the idea.

For a brief moment in time, I thought about posting a status that simply said, "I suck at this. Please refer all questions about rings / weddings / marriage to Scott" but I didn't want to do that to the poor guy because, after all, I do love him. 

The truth is, the answer to almost all of these questions is very simple. I either don't know, or I don't care. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I really do love my engagement ring. Scott picked it out & he couldn't have done a better job. Split shank, double halo, cushion cut... it's gorgeous and I don't deserve to wear something so beautiful every single day. I'm so honored that God chose me to be his wife & that the symbol he used during his proposal was so stunning. But the reality is, I don't care about the ring itself.  He could have asked me to marry him with a bread tie and I'd have said yes just as emphatically. It isn't about the ring.

It will be one month tomorrow that I said, "yes" to the man of my dreams and we finally sat down to discuss our plans a few nights ago after putting it off every night prior. Almost in tears, I looked at Scott and said, "I feel so guilty and I don't want you to hate me, but, I don't want to plan a wedding. My heart just isn't in it & i'm not excited about our big day like I should be." Because he's perfect, he smiled softly and asked me to calm down and explain. 

I really couldn't care any less about my wedding because my wedding is not important to me. My marriage is what is important to me. When I look at our budget, I see all this money we could save and spend on one day and I get a sick feeling in my stomach. How many other memories could we make with this kind of money? How many people could we help? 

Scott and I have a fund for our house so that we can furnish it and we've been really good about saving & spending...until about a week ago when I saw a commercial for a dinosaur exhibit on TV. I immediately thought of Scott's nephew and how much he loves dinosaurs. He's obsessed with them and I knew how much it would mean to him if we got to take him there. It was kind of expensive, especially for the "T-Rex" package that I wanted to get for him, so I talked to Scott who was incredibly eager to take him, too. We decided to just take the money out of our "house" fund and I couldn't be more happy that we did. 

Did it mean that we'll have to wait to get more things for our house? Yup. But those were things we don't need anyway. Instead, we had a day filled with memories and we made one little kid the happiest boy in the world. We gave him an experience he wouldn't have had otherwise, and I don't regret a single thing. But what does this have to do with a wedding, you ask? Have a I rambled too far? Exactly. It has nothing to do with a wedding and that's my point. If we could take $200 out of our materialistic house fund to make our nephew's day, what could we do with thousands? How many people could we touch? How many memories could we build? How many blessing bags could I afford to pass out? 

It's not about the wedding day. It's about every single day after the day we say, "I do." When I dream about the best day of my life, I dream of every morning waking up to my husband's face and the smile that appears when he realizes I've made his favorite coffee already. 

I dream of stealing our nieces and nephews for the day and spoiling them too much. 

I dream of visiting my little sister & taking her to the movies.

I dream of renting a beach house that our whole family can stay in one summer. 

I dream of Biltmore at Christmas.

I dream of having all of our family together at one time. 

I dream of praying together.

I dream of hot chocolate by our fireplace (that I begged for & he gladly gave me).

I dream of writing a check that I never thought I could write to a local non-profit.

I dream of picking an angle off a tree and making their dreams come true.

I dream of family dinners in our dining room.

I dream of the children we'll have.

I dream of the moments.

And to top it all off, I have the best fiancé in the world. After I poured out my heart to him, he smiled. The same thing has been on his heart, too. 

I'm not saying we won't have a wedding or a wedding reception, because we will. There may be wedding showers & engagement parties & professional pictures taken that I'll cherish forever, but those material things won't be where my heart is. 

That doesn't mean I'm not a little excited about walking down the aisle and exchanging vows between my love, because I really do think it will be a special time for us. But you can bet my wedding dress won't cost more than a mortgage payment & I'm not sure if what we serve our wedding cake on will be disposable or "real". It won't look like Pinterest exploded on our wedding day, and that is perfectly fine with me.

So I may not be looking forward to a date circled on a calendar & I might not be taking joy in the upcoming bridal expo in Charlotte that I can't bring myself to attend, but I'm looking forward to every day after that day that I get to fall asleep next to the person God chose especially for me.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me so richly when I am so undeserving of it all. 

I upgraded (and so did my ex-husband).

A few nights ago I was driving home from work with my left hand positioned on the steering wheel at just the right angle so that as I slowed to a stop in my driveway, I was left to gaze at my engagement ring in a very typical "just engaged" fashion. The diamond sparkled beautifully in the dim lighting of the night & it fit like a dream. "Damn," I thought to myself, "I upgraded."

It is no secret that this is not my first engagement, and it won't be my first marriage either. There are days that I am still ashamed of that fact because I, too, once preached that "my first marriage will be my only marriage" and "divorce wasn't an option - ever." But the reality is that divorce was an option and the reason my first marriage didn't make it was precisely because I didn't believe it could ever fail. That, I learned, was my biggest mistake during the years of calling myself Olivia Lowman. I believed that my marriage was invincible and I did not need to protect it because we were simply going to make it. Divorce was not going to happen and no matter what, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, for better or for worse (or really worse or oh-my-God-can-it-even-get-any-worse) we were going to stay married until "death do us part."

So as I sat in my driveway gazing longingly at my new bling, I looked up a the house that Scott and I built together and I reflected on how so much has changed over the past few years. The biggest change of all, I noticed, was the change in myself. A few years ago, I was a self-admitted mess. I was selfish & unforgiving, depressed, anxious, and a slew of other adjectives that you'd never put on a resume, including unhappy...and so was my ex-husband. The key word in that sentence? Was.

We were awful at being married. Friends and family of my ex may read this and think, "well no wonder he was awful, you were awful," and my friends and family may read this and think, "he was the awful one, he's even the one that left," but the truth is, he's just the one that drove away. In different ways, we both left our marriage long before the separation began and yes, even though I did try to salvage the marriage and begged him to come home, I don't really blame him for not wanting to. Now let me make one thing clear, no matter how cringe-worthy it may be for anyone to read: My ex-husband & I could have made it work. We could have done a lot of things differently during our marriage and at the bitter end, we didn't make the right choice. This is a simple truth that any person who calls themselves a Christian already knows to be true: divorce is not God's plan and He hates it. We should still be married to this day & if we had stuck through the darkest part of our marriage, we'd probably be okay right now. 

I say this because I don't want anyone reading this who is married & going through a really rough patch - or perhaps even their own separation or divorce - to think my point in writing this is to glorify divorce & remarriage. God can take the most broken marriage & the most broken husband or wife and He can change their heart. He can mend what we think can't be fixed. He can heal the wounds we think are too deep to repair. He can rebuild the trust we don't think we can offer to our spouse anymore. He can restore joy inside the heart of the most depressed... I could go on and on and on. But for those who don't truly know that yet, and for those who allowed the enemy to step in and make a decision that we should have given to God, there is grace. 

I walked inside and unloaded the day's baggage before making my way upstairs. I made a mental note of how big our new house really is, not just in square feet but in the blessing of getting to live here. When I got upstairs I found my reflection in the bathroom mirror as I washed off the day's makeup. As I stared at myself with my hair back, make-up off, and jewelry put away I repeated the same thought I had in the driveway with an amendment: "I upgraded, and so did Ethan." 

If you haven't caught on, I'm not talking about diamonds. I'm not talking about the new person I'm sharing my life with or the house we're calling a home. I'm talking about myself. The version of Olivia that Scott proposed to isn't the same as the version of Olivia that was married to Ethan. The version of Ethan that Sarah falls asleep next to every night is not the same version of Ethan that I was married to. Thank God, right? 

We upgraded. 

We grew up. 

We made mistakes & we punished ourselves far more harshly than we needed to. 

We lived & we learned. 

We became forgiving.

We became better listeners.

We became trusting.

We became trustworthy.

We became happy.

We upgraded.

And I'm going to take a second to do something else that's typically taboo. I'm going to brag about my ex for a second, because like it or not, I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the person I shared almost a decade of my life with. So here goes: I'm proud of him & Sarah. She wasn't around to hear it, but he's been talking about being a dad since he was 16. I knew he'd be an amazing father & now he is. He has two beautiful sons with a truly beautiful woman. They've blended their family together & Ethan works hard to provide for them. I don't doubt for one second that Upgraded Ethan is doing everything I always knew he was capable of & I am beyond thankful that he's in a relationship that makes him happy. That was always our wish for each other in the beginning & that wish has come true...maybe in a slightly different fashion that we envisioned so many years ago, but it's come true none the less.

As for Upgraded Olivia? The Lord has blessed me beyond measure. I was telling a friend last night on the phone that as soon as I stopped trying to control my life and I let God have the reins, things fell into place. I am engaged to the most patient & kind man. Scott is more than I could have dreamed and hoped for...he is truly who I prayed for. He shows me the love of the Lord every day through his actions & through his words. He does not envy, he doesn't boast and he isn't proud. Scott doesn't dishonor other people and he isn't self-seeking. He doesn't get angry quickly and he never keeps a record of what I do wrong. He rejoices in truth and doesn't delight in evil. My fiance always protects me. He always trusts me and hopes with me. He perseveres. He never fails me.

It's quite fitting that this is my last blog post of 2015. All of us are ready for 2016. It will be a year of so much excitement. Engagement parties, wedding showers, marriages, children's birthday parties, time with family and the chance to keep upgrading every. single. day. 

My handsome fiance, me, Ethan & his beautiful wife-to be. Happiness, the Lord's blessings and upgrading looks good on everyone. 

Happy new year.