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I'm Engaged & I Couldn't Care Less About This Ring Or My Wedding

Thursday, January 21, 2016



I have a confession: I am a terrible bride-to-be. 

A few weeks  days hours after Scott proposed & we announced our engagement publicly, the questions started to pour in. What cut is that diamond? How many carats? Did you pick it out? How do you feel about it being a double halo instead of a single halo? When's the big day? What kind of wedding will you have? I'm going to be a bridesmaid, right? A-line or ball gown? Inside or outdoor? Who will marry you? And, well, you get the idea.

For a brief moment in time, I thought about posting a status that simply said, "I suck at this. Please refer all questions about rings / weddings / marriage to Scott" but I didn't want to do that to the poor guy because, after all, I do love him. 

The truth is, the answer to almost all of these questions is very simple. I either don't know, or I don't care. 

Now, don't get me wrong. I really do love my engagement ring. Scott picked it out & he couldn't have done a better job. Split shank, double halo, cushion cut... it's gorgeous and I don't deserve to wear something so beautiful every single day. I'm so honored that God chose me to be his wife & that the symbol he used during his proposal was so stunning. But the reality is, I don't care about the ring itself.  He could have asked me to marry him with a bread tie and I'd have said yes just as emphatically. It isn't about the ring.

It will be one month tomorrow that I said, "yes" to the man of my dreams and we finally sat down to discuss our plans a few nights ago after putting it off every night prior. Almost in tears, I looked at Scott and said, "I feel so guilty and I don't want you to hate me, but, I don't want to plan a wedding. My heart just isn't in it & i'm not excited about our big day like I should be." Because he's perfect, he smiled softly and asked me to calm down and explain. 

I really couldn't care any less about my wedding because my wedding is not important to me. My marriage is what is important to me. When I look at our budget, I see all this money we could save and spend on one day and I get a sick feeling in my stomach. How many other memories could we make with this kind of money? How many people could we help? 

Scott and I have a fund for our house so that we can furnish it and we've been really good about saving & spending...until about a week ago when I saw a commercial for a dinosaur exhibit on TV. I immediately thought of Scott's nephew and how much he loves dinosaurs. He's obsessed with them and I knew how much it would mean to him if we got to take him there. It was kind of expensive, especially for the "T-Rex" package that I wanted to get for him, so I talked to Scott who was incredibly eager to take him, too. We decided to just take the money out of our "house" fund and I couldn't be more happy that we did. 

Did it mean that we'll have to wait to get more things for our house? Yup. But those were things we don't need anyway. Instead, we had a day filled with memories and we made one little kid the happiest boy in the world. We gave him an experience he wouldn't have had otherwise, and I don't regret a single thing. But what does this have to do with a wedding, you ask? Have a I rambled too far? Exactly. It has nothing to do with a wedding and that's my point. If we could take $200 out of our materialistic house fund to make our nephew's day, what could we do with thousands? How many people could we touch? How many memories could we build? How many blessing bags could I afford to pass out? 

It's not about the wedding day. It's about every single day after the day we say, "I do." When I dream about the best day of my life, I dream of every morning waking up to my husband's face and the smile that appears when he realizes I've made his favorite coffee already. 

I dream of stealing our nieces and nephews for the day and spoiling them too much. 
I dream of visiting my little sister & taking her to the movies.
I dream of renting a beach house that our whole family can stay in one summer. 
I dream of Biltmore at Christmas.
I dream of having all of our family together at one time. 
I dream of praying together.
I dream of hot chocolate by our fireplace (that I begged for & he gladly gave me).
I dream of writing a check that I never thought I could write to a local non-profit.
I dream of picking an angle off a tree and making their dreams come true.
I dream of family dinners in our dining room.
I dream of the children we'll have.
I dream of the moments.

And to top it all off, I have the best fian in the world. After I poured out my heart to him, he smiled. The same thing has been on his heart, too. 

I'm not saying we won't have a wedding or a wedding reception, because we will. There may be wedding showers & engagement parties & professional pictures taken that I'll cherish forever, but those material things won't be where my heart is. 

That doesn't mean I'm not a little excited about walking down the aisle and exchanging vows between my love, because I really do think it will be a special time for us. But you can bet my wedding dress won't cost more than a mortgage payment & I'm not sure if what we serve our wedding cake on will be disposable or "real". It won't look like Pinterest exploded on our wedding day, and that is perfectly fine with me.
So I may not be looking forward to a date circled on a calendar & I might not be taking joy in the upcoming bridal expo in Charlotte that I can't bring myself to attend, but I'm looking forward to every day after that day that I get to fall asleep next to the person God chose especially for me.
Thank you, Lord, for blessing me so richly when I am so undeserving of it all. 
 
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