Pages

The Casualties Along the Way

Sunday, February 7, 2016



If I'm being 100% honest with you myself, I've been s t r e t c h i n g the truth a bit about how much I've healed from my past & how comfortable I am with my present. Don't get me wrong, I am exponentially happier than I've ever been and I don't doubt for one second that I'm right where God wants me to be. But the journey to where I am now has been anything but smooth and while I wish it weren't the case, there have been casualties along the way.

By comparison of where I was two years go, I am a completely different woman. The reflection in my mirror wouldn't recognize the girl who lived on Elbow Road once upon a time, and although I sometimes I forget that the old me existed, there are still moments when the reality of my past hits me and I have to process that Olivia Lowman & Olivia Pitman really are the same girl.

After Scott proposed, I decided that I couldn't get married until I made amends with everyone in my past that was either hurt by me or because of me or who got caught in the path of the storm that was the ending of my marriage. At the time, the list was very short & at the top of it was Scott's ex-fiance. I will make this portion of my story very short & sweet, because that part of his life is not really my story to tell. Although [disclaimer] we did not start dating until his last relationship ended, I would be lying if I said we didn't start a relationship very quickly after they went their separate ways. Although I did hang out with her some you could say she and I weren't exactly BFFs and that would not be an overstatement. Fast-forward to last week and I finally got up enough courage to reach out to her. While the conversation was not hearts & rainbows, I got to give her an apology that had been on my heart for a long time & even though she didn't want it, she deserved to have it. Although I didn't reach out to her selfishly or expect her to make me feel better, getting that off my chest gave me an unexpected sense of peace about a portion of my past I was less than proud of. For a brief moment, Olivia Lowman collided with Olivia Pitman as the latter apologized for the actions of the former, wounds I didn't realize were still open started to heal.

This chapter sounds like it may have a happy ending but it would be remiss of me to stop here. This weekend I started talking to someone who knew me before I was the new Olivia. I had a very fantastical idea that because Scott & I had found happiness and because Ethan & I were no longer on bad terms, everyone else around us would also be incredibly supportive & we'd get to ride off into the metaphorical sunset together and live happily ever after. After hours of texting this very sweet friend & going from zero to sixty on the emotional spectrum more times than I can count, I was forced to realize my fantasy was not reality. I'll spare you the novels of texts and give you this spoiler alert: the list of people that I want to make amends with has continued to grow.

No, I'm not on steps eight & nine of a recovery program, although I completely understand why they're so important for those struggling with rehabilitation. I'm simply taking the road less traveled instead of the main highway; rather than starting over completely & leaving my past entirely in the dust, I'm allowing the real Olivia - the one with baggage & skeletons in her closet - the chance to live.

One of my biggest pet peeves in school used to be the really smart kids who would come to class on exam day & declare that they hadn't studied at all. Once they got their near-perfect scores back, they'd say their grade was sheer luck. It drove me crazy. Too embarrassed to admit they'd spent countless hours hunched over a desk & too cool to be thought of as a "nerd," these bright kids were almost ashamed of their involvement in academia and borderline apologetic for their success.

Well, luck did not bring me here and I've been studying for this "exam" for twenty-five years. Unapologetically I've learned from every mistake I've made & while I often describe the part of life i'm in by giving myself different titles such as Olivia Lowman, Olivia Pitman, Soon-To-Be-Olivia Elkins and The New Olivia, it is essential that I remind myself and others that we're all the same girl.

So, I may not actually get to reach out to each person that I've decided to make things right with before I get married...in fact, that's not my goal any longer. My new goal is to keep the list open & never stop allowing myself to apologize and improve relationships. Instead of putting myself on a time line, I'm giving myself permission to heal every single day. Instead of running away from who I used to be, I'm allowing myself to embrace that while I've grown up, I haven't transformed into a stranger; I don't have to abandon every part of my past & it's okay to not want to.

On this journey of not just improving my life, but reclaiming it, I am learning something new about myself every single day and today I'm learning that it isn't too late to reclaim the casualties that suffered along the way.


Matthew 5:23-34
Therefore if you are presenting your offering at the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your offering there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother, and then come and present your offering.




 
Design by Studio Mommy (© Copyright 2015)